Beneath the Surface


Throughout my abandonment recovery process, I’ve had a lot of different emotions.  I’ve seen my lowest and I’ve often pondered reburying the pain.  Pushing through, however, is what I intend to continue to do.  As hard as it may be, it has to happen.

Our mind, body and soul are all interconnected as one.  You can’t have a problem in one area that will not affect the others at some point.  I used to never get sick.  It seems like I’ve been sick more than I’ve been better these last two years.  My physical being has finally succumb to the deeply buried memories and pain I’ve held onto for so long.

I also believe that, at times, our bodies force us to slow down.  They force us away from our usual routines in order to bring things to the surface.  I believe that to be the case most recently.  I had been home ill for almost a full week.  During that time, I never really had any deep, emotional moments.  However, I have had thoughts and feelings surface that I was unaware were there.  So, I turned to my poetry as a healthy release of these emotions and I was surprised at what came out.

Still not quite healthy again, I can feel a small sadness within.  However, I didn’t quite realize what needed to come out.  Out of the blue today, I went to my fiance.  I asked him if he was going to leave me.  When he told me no and we continued on our previous discussion, I began to cry.  I couldn’t stop it.  I couldn’t hide it.  I wasn’t totally sure why I was crying at first.

I sobbed for a good period of time.  My head has been hurting so bad today.  It needed that release.  Although I’ve worked through many of my issues thus far, these particular poems opened up softer feelings that I didn’t know I had.  They weren’t my anger or my usual “hurt”.  They were my pain, my fears, my guilt, my losses – deeper than I knew they went (and trust me when I say-before I knew they went far!).

It’s hard to explain the pain of abandonment.  It’s  hard for others to understand why something that happened so long ago affects you so much.  But our child minds aren’t equipped for such hardships.  Thus, they alter us forever.  We can pull through.  We can get better.  But a piece of that trauma will always exist on some level.  But, you have to get to a point where it no longer hurts you – where you can remember it and even have it make you more cautious than others, but not ruin your relationships and/or life.

Just remember that your mind, body and soul are all part of a puzzle that complete you.  They are not separate and cannot function unless they are put together properly.  If one area is “out of sync”, don’t just look at what could be causing the issue in that particular area.  Look to another and you may find your answer.

The 3 poems I wrote are posted as “pages” on my blog.  If you wish to read them, under my picture on the right (under “My Story”) you can click the links labeled “Broken People Break Others”, “Dear Dad” and “Dear Mom”.


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